Self-love. It's necessary.

Self-love: "The instinct by which one's actions are directed to the promotion of one's own welfare." "Self-love is the belief that you hold that you are a valuable and worthy person."

"Love your neighbor as you love yourself."  Jesus

I was  incredibly fortunate to be born into my family. I never considered myself to be wealthy growing up. My father drew a modest income from his business and my mother was a stay-at-home-mom. But the resources of my extended family were quite abundant.  Growing up I took all that for granted and never really appreciated it all that much.

My immediate family was my Dad, my Mom, my big brother and my kid sister. My father, a Southern Baptist deacon and church leader,  was a loving man but a very strict man.  He had a narrow code of ethics regarding what was right and what was wrong and held us all to that strict standard. He was the Southern Baptist equivalent of a Hasidic Jew. There are many good things about the way he raised me and other not so good things.  One of the worst things he taught me, whether he meant to or not, is this-- "Take care of everyone else's needs before you take care of your own.  For that matter after you take care of everyone else, if there's nothing left over for you then that's just the cost of caring. That's what Christians do."

I took four flights in four days this past weekend.  As always,when the flight attendants demonstrated how to use the oxygen mask they said, "If you're traveling with children, put your own mask on  first and then put on their masks."

It may be very easy for you to take care of yourself first, but until recent years it has not been easy for me at all.  I was taught that self-love is selfish.  Self-love, I learned, is not a Christian attribute.  Your "instinct" may be to take care of yourself; my "instinct" is to take care of you. The sin from my childhood that approaches the unpardonable sin is to upset somebody. The rationale being "If you've offended someone, then it's your fault and you need to apologize. " There was a tattoo on my forehead that read, "I"m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me." (in very small letters).

Early in my marriage after a run-in with the church secretary, I was crying in my beer to my bride who asked rather demonstratively, "Has it ever occurred to you that you might be right? !!" Actually, it hadn't.

If you suffer from chronic other-love as I have, then I have a few suggestions:
1. Get a backbone. Consider that your opinions and perspective are as good as any one else's. Consider that you have an ego problem.  You don't have one !
2. When someone is upset with you, consider that it's their problem and not yours. If you feel you were wrong then apologize. The six most powerful words in the English language are "I was wrong. Please forgive me." If you don't feel that you did anything wrong, then don't apologize. Say something like, "I can see you're upset.  Our relationship matters to me. I hope that we can work through our differences."
3a. Rediscover what brings you joy.  You have been concerned for everyone else's welfare for so long that you've forgotten what matters most to you. There is a newborn baby in my life.  He is now nearly five months old. He brings me joy in unspeakable ways.   And  his joy brings me joy.  His smiles and his laughter bubble up from deep within him.  Joy  is a gift you can give to others as well.
3b. Do something you enjoy every day.  Refuse to let everyone else's priorities and demands crowd out any possibility of personal enjoyment.  If you no longer enjoy anything, then remember something you  used to enjoy and do that.  Personal joy is not a luxury; it's a necessity. As your  joy spills out, not only are you better off, but everyone around you is as well. If you have no joy, then undesirable things spill out. Another way to say the words of Jesus, "You can only love your neighbor as much as you love yourself."

The first definition above continues with "especially an excessive regard for one's own advantage." Narcissism and self-love are two completely different things. If you're concerned about becoming a narcissist, then you aren't one and will never be one. Narcissists are only concerned about themselves and use other people to their own advantage.  They are incapable of empathy and genuine caring. Loving yourself first is not narcissism. It's the opposite of narcissism.  The love you feel for the world simply begins with the love you feel for yourself.

About twenty-five years ago my counselor asked, "David, you would do anything in the world to help somebody else wouldn't you?"  "Yes I would."  "Then do you have room in your world for one more person?"  "Yes I do."  "Do you think you could include yourself in your world?"  "Yes, I think I can."  "Good, then that's what I want you to consider."  His question did not bring on an immediate transformation. And my suggestions probably won't bring on an immediate transformation for you. But for me it was a start.  Loving myself is something I practice every day.  My family needs me.  My friends need me. That five month old baby needs me. I will only love all of them as much as I love myself. My friend Julian Scott told me just a few days before he died, "Love people. It's necessary."

If I ever see my Dad again, while we're fishing for speckled trout on some salt water bay in the clouds, I'll say "Dad, I'm so glad you taught me to love other people. That has served me well. I just wish you had taught me to love myself."  And he'll say, "Crockett, I wish I had. Please hand me a shrimp."