In 1981, Robert Redford's film Ordinary People was nominated for six academy awards and won four including best picture. Timothy Hutton, as Conrad Jarrett, in his first role in a major motion picture edged out Judd Hirsch, his counselor, for Best Supporting Actor. In an interview the next day on Good Morning America, when asked how he stayed in character, Hutton said, "It was just me."
Conrad had two significant losses to deal with. The first was his older brother Buck's death in a sailboat accident. And then he found out when he called her in the middle of the night, that his friend Karen, who he had met in the mental hospital after his suicide attempt, had killed herself. In the very dramatic scene that follows, Conrad runs water over his wrists to cut them with a razor, changes his mind, runs down the street, calls his counselor Dr. Bergen who agrees to meet him at his office. The entire 9:59 scene is available on YouTube as Ordinary People (1980) "Because I'm Your Friend". The actual drama is so much more powerful than than this review.
When I saw this movie with my wife I was going through a very difficult time. As always with my bad times, I had everything going for me. I was twenty seven years old. I had a good job that I liked. I was married with a child on the way. I had few actual problems, but I was struggling emotionally in every way possible. I was not struggling with survivor's guilt, as Conrad was, but I was struggling with something.
But during this scene, my heart was pounding for Conrad and it was pounding for me. That voice that tells me to pay attention was talking to me. So I paid attention to every word, every voice inflection, and every facial expression. It was obvious that the scene was building to a dramatic climax. But it was after the emotional exchange that Conrad spoke the words that changed me, at least for a while. Dr. Bergen asked him, "And what was the wrong thing that you did?" And after a long pause, Conrad replied, "I hung on." When he said that, I put my face down in my lap and I sobbed.
It took me years to figure out what happened to me in that movie theater that afternoon. The main lesson was that in a crisis no matter what else you do or don't do, you have to hang on. You must get whatever help you need to at least stay alive. You might not feel good, but at least you're breathing. I also learned that help is available. Find it. When Conrad asks Dr. Berger how he can know that being alive is good, even when it hurts, Dr. Berger tells him, "Because I'm your friend." Find a counselor. Find a friend. Find the help you need. If possible, be that friend. Be the help s/he needs. But you have to hang on, too. Conrad could have drowned trying to save his brother. Just because you care about someone who is hurting or in trouble, doesn't necessarily mean that you're equipped to help them. There are limits to what you can do. Respect those limits.
Last year, Manchester by the Sea was nominated for six Academy Awards and won three. These awards included Best Picture. Casey Affleck won Best Actor for his role as Lee Chandler. Chandler inadvertently caused a fire that burned his house down taking the lives of his three children. So thirty six years after Ordinary People won Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor, Manchester by the Sea won basically the same awards for the same theme. Although I was touched deeply and at times watched Manchester by the Sea with a serious lump in my throat, I didn't put my face down and weep. I, too, was thirty six years down the road. I got help. I hung on.
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: [Berger is pretending to be Buck, Con's older brother] Bucky, I didn't mean it! Bucky, I didn't mean it!
Dr. Berger: What?
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: I said put the sail down, but you said keep it starboard, and then we go over! And you say "Hang on, Hang on!", but then you let go! Why'd you let go?
Dr. Berger: Because I was tired!
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: Oh yeah? Well, screw you, you jerk!
Dr. Berger: [Back in reality] It hurts to be mad at him, doesn't it?
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: God, I loved him. It's not fair. You just do one wrong thing, and...
Dr. Berger: And what was the one wrong thing you did? You know. You know.
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: I hung on. I stayed with the boat.
Dr. Berger: Exactly.
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