A friend of mine asked me recently if it's possible to be too sympathetic or empathetic. I think for kind and caring people, this is an ongoing issue.
On the left is the sociopath, the one who is incapable of an ounce of empathy for anyone. This person feels no pain or regret in inflicting pain and misery on anyone. Just to the right of the sociopath is the narcissist. This person is totally wrapped up in himself with no concern for the feelings and preferences of anyone else. Then in the middle is a caring person who experiences with other people their feelings and even their pain. They know how to maintain their own personal space while expressing concern and care for the other person. But to the far right are people that actually enter other people's emotional space. This person emotionally and even physically absorbs the pain and struggles of another. There is very little separation between the emotions of one or the other. This type of person will usually have many more emotional problems than the people for whom he is so concerned.
This is a silly example for such serious issues, but maybe it applies nonetheless. All of us know the rules of a 4-way stop. The rules are very few and quite simple. As traffic approaches the stop signs, the one who stops first has the right of way. If two vehicles arrive at the stop at about the same time, the person to the right has the right of way. That's it, sum total of "the rules".
This morning as I approached a 4-way stop, several vehicles were coming to the stop at about the same time. I always watch carefully to take my turn. The driver to my right arrived at the stop sign before I did. It wasn't a tie or even close. This driver had the right of way. I waited a few seconds and she just sat there. Then she waved for me to go ahead. Instead of feeling like she had done me a favor, I felt annoyed that I had to wait on her to make up her mind about proceeding. My point is that if she had not tried to be "considerate" and just followed the traffic rules, it would have worked better for both of us.
As a teenager I learned the same lesson when I tried to be "considerate" of a stranger. I was at a roadblock taking up a collection for a local charity. A man rolled down his window and dropped some change in my bucket. He then asked directions to somewhere in town. I had a vague notion of his destination and provided vague and rambling directions. I really wanted to help him. He interrupted me and said, "Why didn't you just tell me you didn't know?" and he quickly drove away. I've never forgotten that.
So how do we care for people without getting emotionally involved in their issues? It's all about personal boundaries, that stuff that separates any one of us from the rest of the world. It's okay to feel what other people are feeling as long as you maintain your own personal emotional health and identity. If we empathize to the point of dysfunction, then we have a boundary issue. So how do you know when to say when? You have to test your own emotions -- do I like the way this feels? Am I able to move back into my own space and my own preferred emotional state at will? It the answer to either question is "no" then you have allowed your boundaries to be violated. It's not the other person's fault you're feeling this way, it's a choice that you made.
So whether you're approaching a 4-way stop or talking to a troubled friend, assess the situation, take your turn ( to drive or to help) and move on. This gives the other person the opportunity to move on as well.
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