Madness
Lurks around the edges of my mind,
Watching, waiting
For me to let my guard down
So it can invade
Or perhaps...
Madness will creep in
Under the cover of my denial.
I close my eyes and try to wish it away.
But I'm no genie.
My genies are pink and yellow and green and white.
And they must escape their bottles often.
Or madness moves in and stays.
Ruth White, May 19,2005
Everybody gets down from time to time and this emotional state can drag on for days. But depression is different. Depression doesn't just last for days, it lasts weeks and months. Depression goes far beyond feeling bad. Someone who is depressed has no hope. He can't remember a time when he didn't feel this way, and feels as if he will always feel this way. Many people who suffer from serious depression commit suicide. Others just live with it and suffer in silence. Some - the lucky ones - get help.
Before help found me in 1992, I had spent much of my life depressed. I had experienced episodes of mania since my teenage years, but most of my memories are of the depressed state. In the hospital for the month of June in 1992, I was asked to trace my "mood history." What I remembered and the graph I drew was mostly below the line, but there were spikes of mania along the way. Then came 1991 and 1992 when it became painfully clear that something was terribly wrong. On Thursday June 11th, 1992, I woke up to find myself in a hospital bed. I was still fully clothed and was soaking wet, I had no idea where I was or how I got there. An even bigger question was why I was there. Several days later, after my head cleared, I remembered why I was wet when I woke up. Two weeks later I found out why I was there.
After an eight month run of mostly mania, my hospital psychiatrist gave me a name for my pain, manic-depression or the bipolar illness.
It took me quite a long time to accept that I was "mentally ill." I had earned an associates degree, a bachelor's and master's degree. I was married with a child. I was a successful financial advisor with a major financial services company, managing several million dollars for my clients. I had never had one serious complaint. I had been the music director of several different churches. I was loved and respected by many people. Being "mentally ill" was not in my vocabulary.
What I've learned over this past twenty three years is that I am in very good company. There are many famous people, both living and dead, who are believed to have suffered with manic-depression. Most of them were/are highly intelligent and creative people. Carrie Fisher (Princess Leah), Vincent van Gogh, Virginia Wolf, Sinead O'Conner, Robin Williams, Patty Duke, Ted Turner, Ralph Waldo Emerson, to name a few. It is commonly accepted that George Frederic Handel composed Messiah during a a manic episode. He completed the entire body of work in just twenty one days. You don't sleep much during a manic episode, so he had nothing better to do.
Most people who suffer from manic-depression try to dull their pain with alcohol or drugs, or both. I had never done that. One reason it took my medical advisors so long to diagnose my illness is because I had never "self-medicated." In many cases, the symptoms and issues with addiction and substance abuse lead to the diagnosis of the mental illness instead of the other way around. When they asked me about my addictions, I told them I didn't have any. And they just looked at me in disbelief. I had used music and reading to deal with my distress. I listened to hours and hours of serious music. I read volumes of philosophy and self-help. I read most of Joseph Campbell's books and several about him. I read Jung, Buber, Dyer and so many others. For several years until it went out of print, I read every issue of Omni magazine from cover to cover. I found great comfort in the fact that I was such an insignificant dot in the universe. I still do. Another reason I did not indulge in chemicals is because of the boundaries that were a part of the fabric of my personality. I can be very critical of my strict Southern Baptist upbringing, but I had no experience with these drugs and never had a desire to start using them.
I have also learned that being "mentally ill" is not much different than any other affliction. Instead of something going wrong with my heart or kidneys, something is wrong with my brain and nervous system. There is medicine available for all of it. One difference though is that my illness is genetic, it's built into my DNA. I was born with the bipolar disorder and will die with it. You can treat the symptoms of manic-depression, but there is no cure.
During Mental Health Month educate yourself about mental illness. I have read many books about manic-depression and learned much about my illness. A few of the books that have helped me the most are Depression: The Mood Disease by Francis Mondimore, A Brilliant Madness by Patty Duke, and Touched with Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison, If you want to get inside the head of the mentally ill, read God Head, a novel by Scott Zwiren. It will be the most difficult book you have ever read. But you will understand the mind of one who is mentally ill so much better. I certainly didn't have to read the book to know, but I read it anyway. Misery loves company.
Mental health is a significant part of anyone's psycho-soma . But for those of us who are mentally ill it can be life and death. I'm no genie, I take my pills twice a day every day. I have no desire to be manic or depressed. I may be stupid from time to time, but I'm not crazy.
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