Emotional Resources

My counselor and I are working on this idea of “emotional resources.” In a few words he said, “David, we all have a limited amount of emotional resources. We all have to decide how to spend them.” I am finding that to be a very powerful statement. As an example, for years my extended family converged on the family beach house at Laguna Beach, Florida for the fourth of July weekend. The group included my grandmother, her sister, my aunts and uncles, my mother and father, my siblings, my cousins, my wife, our son and his cousins.   There were about 25 of us in all. Besides spending time in the “cottage” (slept all 25 people), we also played on the beach. My uncle always brought a boat and we went water skiing at “Phillips Inlet” about eight miles from the house. I had learned to ski and even to slalom at an early age and was really good on that ski. It was great fun for all of us. I had a reputation for being able to all but fall in  the water, regain my balance and keep skiing (they say it’s not bragging if you did it).

So what does remembering this family gathering have to do with “emotional resources”?  It  has everything to do with them.  This morning as I remembered those gatherings for over 30 years I felt a wave of sadness.  All but one uncle of that generation above me died several years ago.  I have lost touch with most of those cousins. Well really, all but one of them.  My sister, brother and I live in adjoining states and I only see them on  rare occasions. The beach house was sold to a stranger  years ago.  I don’t know who owns it now. So adding all that up, for a few minutes I felt pretty crummy about all of that. Then I heard my counselor say, “You have to decide how you spend your limited emotional resources.”  In this case I decided not to spend them in sadness over what was such a fabulous family tradition.  In spite of the losses, I chose to remember how good it was to be together with my extended family for all those years (and all those years ago).

The internet definition of  “emotional resources” includes this “:

“Emotional resources are the most important resources because it keeps people from returning to old habits. A lack of emotional resources refers to being able to choose and control emotional responses, particularly to negative situations, without engaging in self-destructive behavior.” I think something was not quoted correctly as it’s the employment of “emotional resources” that keeps us from “engaging in self-destructive behavior” and not the lack of them. Or possibly it’s saying, “Since there is a ‘lack of emotional resources’ you have to “choose and control emotional responses.”  In either case, thinking about all of this has really helped me to deal with my feelings prompted by memories of past situations. This has also helped me to deal with the current news cycle as I am deeply disturbed by so much that I read and see. I have to choose not to deplete my “emotional resources” on things that I can’t control (which is nearly everything).

The definition above also includes that “emotional resources are the most important resources.”  It doesn’t state that they are some of the most important resources or are among the most important resources, it states that “emotional resources are the most important resources.”  That includes a lot of resources!  That suggests that “emotional resources” are more important than, for example,  financial resources and relationship resources.  And if you think about it you will understand why.  It’s not what we have or who we hang out with  that makes us feel good or bad, but it’s how we think about and respond to other resources that makes us feel good or bad.

I have recently been introduced to a Christian singer named Audrey Assad. Her song "Drawn to You" has come to mean much to me.  One lyric in particular touches me every time. "After everything I've had, after everything I've lost, I'm still drawn to you.  "Drawn to 'you' doesn't have to be God or Jesus or anything of a spiritual nature' , it can be anything or anyone where you find hope, love and joy instead of grief, pain and sadness. Independence Day is as good a day as any to begin taking ownership of your emotions. It's not what has happened to us that affects the way we feel but how we choose to remember these things, how we think about them. I challenge you to discover your emotional resources and to use them to find joy and fulfillment.