Our kindergarten and elementary school teachers encouraged us to call each other by our given names and to not make up names for each other, especially names that segregate, make fun and hurt.
I know someone who served tables several years before she found another job. Over several years she rose in the ranks of her company until she became a vice president. Although she has had no desire to wait tables again, she has never forgotten some of the people she met and some of the lessons she learned. I have not forgotten a few of them as well. She spoke often of the literal and emotional dialogue that happens between a server and her customers. She talked about the delicate balance between giving too little or too much attention. On this occasion in her restaurant with two nicely dressed, middle aged patrons as her customers, all of this was perfect. Besides the professional enjoyment, as a bonus, such an occurrence usually results in an extra nice gratuity. And then disaster struck in the form of a conversation started about a neighboring restaurant. My friend, attempting to be a part of the conversation said, "That restaurant used to be a special place to eat. Now they mostly cater to the t-shirt and flip flop gang." When she said it, she told me that something happened in the room. The couple was done with their dinner and asked for their check. As my friend carefully approached the silent table, she looked down and saw the inevitable. He, of course, was wearing flip flops. She told me, "I wanted to say, 'not those nice flip flops that go ever the foot, but the kind with the thong that goes between your toes. Yours are very nice!' ". But it was too late to say anything; the damage was done. They paid and left without leaving a tip.
In July of 1977, one month before my wife and I left for graduate school in Louisville, Kentucky, I had to deal with a very painful ingrown toenail. The decision was made to totally remove the nail so that it wouldn't grow back. At that time, in the dark ages of medicine, the surgery required an overnight stay in the hospital. The surgery went well, but the next day I had a fever of 105. I was very sick and they packed me in ice. There was some discussion that I could get much worse. Two days later when I went home, the infection that caused my problems, more than likely a staph infection, settled in my toe. The exposed toe had the appearance and consistency of cheese pizza. It was as uncomfortable as it was unsightly. Out of necessity I wore a flip flop on my left foot, the kind with the thong strap. Upon arriving at school three weeks later, I was still wearing a sock and shoe on my right foot, and a flip flop on my left. Although I wore the flip flop only three more weeks before I could wear a shoe again, for two more years at school, I heard, "Aren't you the guy with the flip flop?"
As name-calling goes, "the flip flop guy" is not all that bad. But why not "Aren't you the guy who is working his butt off and is doing well musically and academically?" "Aren't you the guy who has a part-time church job south of here where you and your wife are loved and appreciated?" "Aren't you the guy who left friends and family in Alabama to move to another state to better yourself as a person and as a musician?" "Aren't you..." nearly anything except "the flip flop guy" Wearing that flip flop was a personal necessity and not my identity.
We need to be careful of the names we call each other. Names can build up or names can cut and bring a person down. A person's name is always a good choice. If you don't know or don't remember the person's name, a friendly greeting and warm smile will work real well. don't call them anything. If you're uncomfortable with your mental lapse, just say, "Please forgive my senior moment and remind me of your name." Most people are happy to oblige. Sometimes, of course, a person has a life long nickname that has become her identity; that certainly is a good name to call her. Especially if there's some physical issue or deformity, you should refuse to make a reference to that. I can tell you by experience that several others have done that already that day.
Because of a situation with my big toe, I'm wearing a flip flop on my right foot, the nice kind that goes over my foot. I only wear it around the house, not because of potential name calling, but I don't need to wear it away from home. So what does my wife call me? Does she call me "The nice flip flop guy?"She calls me "'David", "Biggs" or "Big Dave", a name I inherited from the children in my life nearly thirty years ago. The name stuck. The children in my life still call me "Big Dave" or "BihBave", if you're two. And my son who is now three inches taller than I, will answer to "Dave" or to "Little Dave" if you'd rather. . So you can call me "David", "Biggs" or "Big Dave", but please leave my flip flops out of it. It doesn't hurt my feelings; it's just unnecessary. And besides, if you call me that, I'll never leave you a tip.
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