Facing the Music

I'm listening to music that I love that I have not listened to for over ten years.  When I bought A Tribute to Evanescence, I didn't pay close attention to the CD case.  I thought it was actually Amy Lee. As it turned out it was a band covering the music of Evanescence.  But it's really good music.

Over ten years ago, just after Christmas, I christened my new Bose headphones by listening to this CD. In about forty five  minutes of temporary insanity, to really feel the music, I kept turning the volume louder and louder.  I'm sure that there were alarms going off that I was doing something very dangerous. I'm sure there was a voice telling me to stop. But just like somebody who has had too much to drink, the part of his brain that should tell him that he has had enough is inebriated. So he keeps drinking until he makes a fool of himself and is a danger to himself and to society.

The warning I finally paid attention to was when my wife tapped me on the shoulder to inform me that she could hear my headphones in the next room. And I heeded her warning. But it was too late. The damage was done. I would pay for my forty-five minutes of bliss for the remainder of my mortal life.

When I finally stopped listening and removed my headphones, my left ear was ringing. I didn't pay much attention to it because my ears had rung temporarily on many occasions over the years.  This ringing was particularly annoying.  It had two or three different frequencies that I heard simultaneously.  There was no where to escape the noise. It was particularly bad when everything else was quiet.  Waking up in the night was particularly troublesome.

When the noise continued,  I made an appointment with an audiologist.  He examined my ears and asked me several questions about what I had done and what I was hearing.  After a few minutes he delivered the devastating news, "This ringing is permanent. It's not going to stop." I just sat there and looked at him in disbelief.  Sound and music was my life. To think that I would forever have this demonic hiss as a  part of the ensemble was unthinkable.

For several years I wore a masker. This device, which looked like a hearing aid, produced a constant white noise to "mask" the ringing.And  it helped a lot.  One unfortunate side effect of tinnitus is hearing loss. He replaced my masker with a hearing aid.  I told him that I was more concerned about the ringing than the hearing and he said, "The increased sound in the hearing aid will act as a masker." And it has.

There is no cure for tinnitus.  Like for me, there are several "remedies" and maskers, but there is no cure. In the cochlea of the ear there are millions of microscopic sensory hair cells. With prolonged noise, repeated noise or as in my case just too much noise, these cells can be permanently damaged. And the incessant ringing ensues.

I'm glad that I'm finally listening to this CD. Until tonight I just haven't been able to face the music. I was never particularly concerned that the CD would be emotionally painful to listen to , I was afraid that it would make me feel stupid. I don't like to feel stupid.  Instead, the music makes me feel grateful. I feel grateful that I have learned to deal with noise over the years. I can now go for hours without giving it a thought.  I'm thankful for these new and improved Bose noise- cancellation headphones I'm wearing. No they don't cancel the noise inside my head, but the phones cancel most of the noise outside my skull. In many  cases, it cancels all of  it. Because of that cancellation, I can enjoy music at lower volumes. I'm grateful for the music itself and that I have a deep capacity for appreciating and comprehending a wide variety of music. And I'm grateful for my current audiologist. She is both kind and compassionate.  She seems to understand the severity of my suffering.  And she fits me with devices that help me deal with it.  I'm not wearing this hearing aid now because I'm wearing my headphones, but I'm looking at it. It is in the top four of my most treasured personal belongings, after my PC, Bose headphones and wireless router. Just seeing it brings me great comfort.

The best advice I ever received regarding tinnitus was not from my ENT or audiologist, it was from my brother.  I was sitting on a bench in front of a country home a few weeks after my diagnosis talking to him on the phone. I was lamenting the fact that the noise in my head was drowning out all the noises of the countryside.  He asked me, "Can you still hear?"  And I replied, "Yes, I can still hear."  "Then stop listening to the ringing and listen to everything else."  And that's what I've done these ten years. I've tried to listen to everything else.

The downside of talking about tinnitus is that my ear is ringing off the hook. No, it's not from the music; it's from the attention I'm giving it. I wouldn't wish tinnitus on an enemy. It is a horribly annoying condition to live with. You just can't get away from it. Anytime.  Anywhere. But I wouldn't trade my problems for anybody else's. Would you?

One last thing, you need to pay attention to that statement on the sunscreen can that warns you not to spray it on your face. Even if you cover your eyes, it's a really bad idea.