It's been said that the six most powerful words in the English language to speak are, "I was wrong. Please forgive me." They are also the six most difficult words to say.
Why is it so hard for most of us to apologize? There are a multitude of reasons, but to some extent an apology feels like a little death. To admit that we were wrong feels like a blow to our person and to our worth. But nothing could be further from the truth. To admit that we were wrong is to say, "I acknowledge your worth as a human being. I acknowledge your feelings and admit that I have wronged you. But I also acknowledge that I am a human being too and as such I sometimes make mistakes."
And notice that you don't say "I'm sorry." You say, "I was wrong." There is a world of difference in the two statements. "I'm sorry" suggests a flaw in your personality. "I'm sorry" is a personal indictment. "I was wrong" suggests that there is nothing wrong with "I" but that "I" made an honest mistake. And that "I" is none the less for it.
Then there are the last three words of "please forgive me." Those words are even harder to say than "I was wrong." To ask forgiveness temporarily gives the offended party all the power. It feels like you're putting your whole self on the line (although you're not) and making yourself totally vulnerable (which you are). And then you wait for a response. The truth is it shouldn't matter much to you how s/he responds. You have now done all you can do. Hopefully, the response is an acceptance of your apology, receipt of your request for forgiveness and full restoration of the relationship. In many cases that is not the response. Since you are a caring person to begin with, the temptation is to continue to feel bad about it. I suggest you let yourself feel very bad about it for about ten minutes. I mean feel really bad. Tell yourself what a terrible person you are for offending this person. Then get over it. Say to yourself, "I made a mistake. I admitted it. I asked for forgiveness. That's all I can do. If s/he wants to withhold love and affection till the end of time, that is on her and not on me." If you stay upset because the person won't forgive you, then be equally as upset that you refuse to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself and her reaction will cease to matter.
"And how are you so qualified to offer all this free advice?", you ask. I'm qualified by years and years of personal experience. And the advice I got wasn't free.
"Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" is a beautiful song, but it offers mostly bad advice. "Why can't we talk it over?" is a good thing. "What have I got to do to make you love me?" is a terrible thing. And we don't need to be sorry. We need to be forgiven. Self-flagellation doesn't just make us feel bad, it is physically harmful. An article in Prevention magazine states, "Remembering those bad feelings dumps a hit of corrosive chemicals into your bloodstream. They increase your heart rate, raise your blood pressure and disrupt your digestion. You increase your heart attack risk and the risk of depression."
Bob Marley sings in Redemption Song, "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds." The door to mental bondage locks only from the inside. No one else can lock it or unlock it but you. God Himself can't turn the key. It's not easy to turn, but to experience absolution, it's necessary. Forgiveness is not an act, it's a way of life. We breathe it in and breathe it out. Forgiveness doesn't mean we are sinners, it means we are human.
One last thing, just because someone is upset with you, doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong. People get upset for a lot of reasons. People are responsible for their own feelings. My wife heard in a seminar years ago,"What someone says about you says much more about them than it does about you." If this is his problem, don't make it yours. Don't apologize. Let him deal with it. Express your concern, but not your regret. But if you feel you were wrong, there are only six words between you and the light of day. "I was wrong. Please forgive me." But understand that this forgiveness is not for them; it's for you. It's not easy, but it's necessary.
"Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" is a beautiful song, but it offers mostly bad advice. "Why can't we talk it over?" is a good thing. "What have I got to do to make you love me?" is a terrible thing. And we don't need to be sorry. We need to be forgiven. Self-flagellation doesn't just make us feel bad, it is physically harmful. An article in Prevention magazine states, "Remembering those bad feelings dumps a hit of corrosive chemicals into your bloodstream. They increase your heart rate, raise your blood pressure and disrupt your digestion. You increase your heart attack risk and the risk of depression."
Bob Marley sings in Redemption Song, "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds." The door to mental bondage locks only from the inside. No one else can lock it or unlock it but you. God Himself can't turn the key. It's not easy to turn, but to experience absolution, it's necessary. Forgiveness is not an act, it's a way of life. We breathe it in and breathe it out. Forgiveness doesn't mean we are sinners, it means we are human.
One last thing, just because someone is upset with you, doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong. People get upset for a lot of reasons. People are responsible for their own feelings. My wife heard in a seminar years ago,"What someone says about you says much more about them than it does about you." If this is his problem, don't make it yours. Don't apologize. Let him deal with it. Express your concern, but not your regret. But if you feel you were wrong, there are only six words between you and the light of day. "I was wrong. Please forgive me." But understand that this forgiveness is not for them; it's for you. It's not easy, but it's necessary.
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