A Reflection of Ourselves

"We cannot change anyone else; we can change only ourselves, and then usually only when the elements that are in need of reform have become conscious through their reflection in someone else."  M. Esther Harding

I had to read this quote several times before I understood it.  Well, until I began to understand it.  How can I ever know for sure what Harding meant by what she said?

"We cannot change anyone else."   Family Systems Theory has much to say about changing other people.  First of all, it says that you cannot change a system that you are not in.  Secondly, it says that you cannot change anyone's relationship with anyone else.  The more you try to change it, the worse you're going to make it.  Family Systems Theory says that if you want to help Jill's relationship with Joan, the best you can do is maintain a relationship with Jill and a relationship with Joan. And don't talk to Jill about Joan and don't talk to Joan about Jill.  Talk to Jill about Jill and Joan about Joan.  You get the idea.

"We can only change ourselves."  No matter how much we want to change our spouse, our family, our neighborhood, our town, our state, our country, our world, we can't change any of it.  All we can do is change ourselves.  But as that change ripples outward, the world becomes a better place. Now our efforts to affect change are from a center of personal peace and power. We're not trying to make the world a better place so that we can become more comfortable.  Since we are now more comfortable, the world is a better place. How do I know this?  Zoom out ! Each of us is in the world.

"and then usually only when the elements that are in need of reform have become conscious through their reflection in someone else."    This was the part of the quote that I had to read over and over.  I think Harding could have said it better because "the elements" don't become "conscious"; I become conscious.  Once I understood that it's me that becomes conscious, it made more sense.

To me she's saying that  I can't see the parts of me that I need to change until I see them in someone else.  Sometimes when I see things in other people that I don't like, I have to admit that I am the same way.  I say and do the exact same things.  So, if I don't like this in this other person, why do I tolerate it in myself?  But, obviously, another way to look at this is "If I tolerate these things in myself, why can't I tolerate them in other people?"

But let's say that I decide that I can't tolerate something in the other person and,  therefore I will no longer tolerate it in myself.  Now what?  Just because I recognize this part of myself that I do not particularly like doesn't mean I know how to change it. Maybe at this point I decide that I have no idea how to change it. That I can't change it.  Then I can forgive it.  When Jesus in His model prayer said, "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" I'm convinced that he meant "Help us to be as forgiving of our own faults as we are the faults of others."  In other words "Let me be at least as kind to myself as I am to perfect strangers.".

"We cannot change anyone else."   If M. Esther Harding had stopped writing with that, she had said about all she needed to say.  The sooner we realize the truth of these words, the sooner we, and the people around us, will be in a better place. And isn't a better place where we all want to be? Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche in The Discovery of Basic Goodness said,  "Unless we can discover the ground of goodness in our own lives, we cannot hope to improve the lives of others."  I think Harding would add, "The only way to improve the lives of others is by improving your own life."

As my wife and I are driving away from a social occasion and begin to comment about it, one of us interrupts  the other and says, "And what are they saying about us?'  The next time the person you're talking to is annoying you, hold up a mirror to them and study the reflection.  You may be surprised by who you see.