"Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried
But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long time ago
Don't leave me standing here
Lead me to your door." Long and Winding Road, The Beatles 1970
An open letter to the seventeen year-old David Helms from his sixty-three year old self:
David, I will use "you", "me", "I", "we", "yours", "ours" and "us" interchangeably. All of the pronouns refer to you and me. All of you is me and all of me is you. There's no distance or separation between us. The forty-seven years since 1970 make absolutely no difference. We have shared every single breath. That's approximately a half billion breaths since we were born.
For starters I want to tell you that you're going to make it. Life is hard for you, I know, but it's not as hard as you're making it on yourself. . You're not only going to make it, but you're going to do very well. I'm not going to tell you to learn to deal with things better. I know that you're doing the best that you can do. I'm certainly not going to tell you to "lighten up", as so many have told me, because we can no more "lighten up" than we can flap our arms and fly. I understand that "lighten up" just makes any amount of mental agony that much worse.
David, the reason I'm writing this to you tonight is that I was on my way home to Ringgold, Georgia where I live, I heard one of my favorite songs Long and Winding Road on my radio. You'll hear that song for the first time this afternoon. You'll love it from the start. I'm quite sure about this. I'm going to tell you something quite amazing. The radio in my car is "satellite radio". The signals come from over 20,000 miles above the earth from four geostationary satellites. It all started with Telstar, that satellite you were so excited about eight years ago and continued with those circling the earth now. But it certainly didn't end there. I can listen to music on the same station without interruption across the whole country twenty-four hours a day. I heard the Beatles' song on a 70s station ! They only play 70s music all day long. Commercial free! Come to think of it, your music is on a 70s station as well, isn't it? Only you have commercials and you can't hear it very far out of town. One thing to look forward to is that my car has a surround sound stereo system. You're going to absolutely love that. No more of that crappy AM radio you listen to in your '50 Chevy. But I do so miss WLS 89 out of Chicago. On the road late at night it was magic. When you graduate from college and get a car with a CD player, don't get rid of all your albums. Vinyl is back and I have no turntable and no albums. Dang. CD player? Compact Disc. You'll see.
I want to tell you about your concerns about school. You worry that it's not Christ-like to study things that aren't Bible-related. You ask yourself often, "Would Jesus study French or American history? Is trigonometry pertinent to the Kingdom of God? Is there any eternal value in any of it? Shouldn't I only spend my time studying things of eternal value?" You are going to come to understand that your deeply held belief that everything has to be directly related to the Bible is very misguided and unfortunate. You are going to understand that the Light of God can shine on almost everything. Read Genesis 1 again David. He said "It's all good!" But for now just know that next year you'll graduate. You won't graduate as high in your class as you were headed, you deserved better, but your academic momentum will at least keep you in the Honor Society. Mom will be somewhat disappointed, but she'll get over it. She always does. Strange thing about that damned religion of yours that you call Christianity. There's nothing Christian about it. The Pharisees were very proud of themselves, too. Two things are going to happen for you to begin to find your way out. They involve a bowl of turnip greens and a puppy. Think about it. When Jesus wanted to explain the Kingdom of God, He used a flower, or a fig tree, or a mustard seed. When Jesus wanted to deliver you from your tormented self, He used a bowl of turnip greens and a puppy. How else was He going to get through to you? It's not like He could use the Bible. You had it memorized.
I want to tell you about your girlfriend. You're so concerned about whether or not "she's the one." Well she is and she's not. She meets someone else in college and so do you. So no, you don't get married. But for now "she's the one". I wish you could get out of your head your obsession with "is she the one God wants me to marry" and just enjoy spending time with her. That time will be gone all too soon. She cares about you and and you care about her. I wish you could let it go at that. But just so you know, the two of you will remain good friends through the years. And the spouses get to be good friends too. The four of you will get together quite often. For that you can be very thankful. That all works out about as well as possible.
I want to talk to you about the lead role in the all-school play you're involved in now. If I didn't love you so much I would feel a lot of anger toward you for how badly you're messing this up. Instead I'm going to feel anger toward that awful brand of Christian fundamentalism you've bitten off. And don't blame that on your preacher or your youth director or your church, you came up with it all by yourself. You created it. How did you ever get in your head that it was advisable and sustainable to ask and literally follow "What would Jesus do?" You're asking WWJD before everything? Every single thing? Are you kidding me? Do you think the author of In His Steps is doing that? Jesus Himself didn't do that. He just got up in the morning and lived His life for the glory of His Father. That's all he expects you to do. You know when Satan asked Jesus 'If you are the Son of God, then cast yourself down." The temptation was not "cast yourself down", but "if you are." So I'm glad you didn't quit the musical the week of the performance. You are to be commended for that. But you're putting your director through hell. What is she supposed to do? I know how badly you wanted to quit, but you didn't. But how I wish you could enjoy it. You are going to live to regret that you didn't. You'll regret that during the curtain calls all three nights, you never cracked a smile. But you'll get over that. too. Unfortunately it will take years, but you'll learn that regret, like guilt, is an absolutely useless emotion.
I want to talk to you about your family. You will remain very close to your brother and your sister. Although your lives will take you in completely different directions, you will see them and spend time with them as often as possible. I talked to both of them today. You will love Mom and Dad till the day they die. One of the best decisions you will make in your life will be to spend more time golfing and fishing with Dad. Each of those trips had a number. They counted down each time to zero. And then they were gone. You then you will spend a lot of time with Mom after Dad is gone and all too soon you'll tell her goodbye as well. When they're both gone, you'll think about all those years it was the five of us at that table at 102 Glenn Street. You'll sit at that table for three more years. Try to pay attention. With all the love I can muster, I am telling you that you need to pay attention. And just because your brother is off at college, your sister is not. All of your church activities are so important to you, but find time to spend with your little sister. You'll never regret a minute of that. She might, but you won't (smile).
David, in college you'll meet a girl. You''ll ask that girl to marry you and she will say "yes". Forty years later you'll still be with that same girl. You did good David. You did real good. The two of you will have a son and he will have a daughter. You will love that little girl more than you thought humanly possible. She will live 500 miles away, but you will manage to see her quite often. Your son has found a beautiful wife. Their happiness will bring you much happiness. There are times that when you look around you at the life that is yours, you will hardly be able to contain your joy. And why try? !
As much as I enjoy music in the day, there's just something special about music at night. Tonight on Highway 41 listening to Long and Winding Road, when I thought about you I thought how I wish that you could be as happy as I am. How I wish that I could spare you so much grief and pain. All I can do is reach out to you across tens of thousands of miles and many, many years and tell you that I love you, And I really am proud of you for trying so hard to please God. I know you mean so well. You'll figure it out. At this point I feel more like your father than yourself. And as a loving father who wants nothing but the best for you I'm not telling you to lighten up, but I am telling you that you're going to be okay. I'm quite sure about this.
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