Until Morning Light

"But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep  my glass full until morning light, cause I'm just holding on for tonight.
On for tonight."  Chandelier by Sia

Last March my  wife walked down the stairs to the den and to the corner where I'm sitting.  She interrupted what I was doing, commandeered my computer, navigated to the song and said, "Listen to this."

As much as I enjoy listening to music, I have no use for music shows such as American Idol and The Voice. There are reasons I won't go into, but I just don't like it.  When I saw that the song she threw in front of me was from American Idol, I was very skeptical and more than a little annoyed that she was going to spoon feed me with it..

Until that moment when I listened to Trent Harmon sing Chandelier, I had never heard of it's composer Sia that I could recall. And I don't know much about her now. What I do know is that in Chandelier she captures the pain and agony of alcoholism.  And the exquisite beauty of the song, is it the joy of the possibility of help and recovery?  The song doesn't say. There is nothing pretty about drug addiction and yet there's something going on with Chandelier that you would just have to hear for yourself.

I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  Because of him and his story I have a much better understanding of why recovery is a lifetime battle and why so much love and support is necessary to stay clean.

If you listen to Sia's song, except for the melody, it is completely different from the arrangement that Harmon sings.  For me, the arranger captures this beautiful pain in a way that Sia's original version doesn't display.  And Harmon belts out  a heart-felt rendition of its captivating power. Since he sang it more than once near the end of the season,  there are several versions online that are available for listening. The video I watch most often is dated March 24, 2016. Instead of just piano accompaniment, the stage is draped in filtered blue beauty complete with a small string ensemble.  The whole effect sends me to places that only such a performance can send me to. A few years ago after Cirque du Soleil's  O show, my wife said, "I looked over at you and you were gone!"

The reaction of the judges and the audience  is one of stunned admiration for Harmon and the song.  From the look on their faces, the only people in the building who are not enthralled are the remaining contestants who know their goose is cooked.

All this to say--there is a moment in the song, it's the textual and musical pinnacle when Harmon on a high B begins the word "light' and mid-word,  the word comes out of the note as "I'm" Just like something happens to Harmon, the judges and the audience when he sings that note, something happens to me. For non-singers a high B may not be all that high for an operatic soprano, but for a baritone country singer it is quite high. And quite spellbinding. Is the word "light" or is it "I'm". It's both. And the meshing of them does not destroy either word. And it's on a high B !

I've listened to the song again several times this morning during this writing.. It has lost none of its beauty, none of its power and none of its mystery.  I still can't figure out how something so awful can be so beautiful.  Or even if it should be so beautiful.

My friend had never told me his whole story until this summer. The most heart-retching part for me is how withing minutes of release from a year in federal prison, he took a hit of cocaine. And the insanity continued.

Chandelier, for whatever its words and music meant to Sia when she wrote them, the song, gives me great hope.  It gives me hope that through all the torment and tragedy of addiction, beauty wins.  Love wins. Recovery wins.  "Light".  "I'm".  "I'm light".  The light we see at our birth stays with us until our death. No matter what we might do, it is never completely extinguished. And those who have come back from beyond all say, "I was going toward an incredible light."

In Chandelier "the morning light" is not the addict's friend.  In the morning light, the rooster crows, the gig is up. Another day of addiction, guilt and shame begins. I can only hope that this is the day she finds help.  This is the day she finds an intervening friend. This is the day she finds relief that is not tied to a bottle. "This is the day the Lord hath made".  And the Lord made today, of all days, for joy and for peace and for  beautiful music.