Look Who's Talking

Con.ver.sa.tion  --the informal exchange of ideas by spoken words

Yesterday he walked up to me while I was eating lunch.  It was one of those "I know the face situations." He asked "I know you, don't I?"  I said " Yes you do. I'm David Helms. I remember you from Kiwanis Club, but remind me of your name."  And he did.

I had not seen John  for over thirty years.  I invited him to join me and he sat down. After exchanging a few pleasantries, he started telling me about his health issues. This is not unusual for 60- somethings and 70-somethings, as in many significant ways this is what our lives have come down to.

John began by telling me about his near miss with colon cancer.  I learned that during a routine check-up visit,  his doctor asked him when was the last time he had a colonoscopy. He told his doctor that he had never had one. His doctor asked, "Don't you think it's time?"  And he agreed.  They removed one polyp that turned out to be malignant. He underwent another surgery to remove part of the affected area of his colon.  He did not need any other treatment. I interrupted him to express my gratitude that the cancer was caught in such an early stage.

John continued with his blood pressure issues.  He explained that his blood pressure is controlled now with medication and he that he is doing well with it.

Next, he told me that recently he has had problems with his hip.  He said that this past Monday he could hardly walk.  But the pain has been more manageable since Wednesday.  He explained that he has an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon to discuss a course of action.

After about fifteen minutes or so,  his wife walked up to let him know that she was ready to go.  I stood up to introduce myself to his wife and John stood  up to leave.  John continued talking a few more minutes. I interrupted with how good it was to see him.  He expressed the same to me,  and they walked away. I had learned several things about him.  He had learned nothing about me.  Not once did he ask about my family, my health, my well-being.  What if he ran into another Kiwanis buddy and that person said, "How's old David doing?"  I guess all he could say is, "He looked just fine to me." What else could he say?

The main thing about chronic talkers that I will never understand is how they can be so consumed with their own interests and concerns, and apparently have no interest in mine.  I want to say, "Why do you assume that I'm even interested in what you have to say? What makes you think I'm even listening? Shouldn't the glazed over look in my eyes give you a hint that I checked out several minutes ago? You're just talking to yourself  (your favorite person in the world). Isn't it reasonable to consider that my life is just as important as yours?"

If you are a chronic talker,  I offer a few suggestions for your consideration:

1. Ask yourself why you have such a need to talk? Are you afraid that if you stop talking, then dead air will swallow both of you up in some vortex of empty space? I can assure you that the person to whom you are speaking might like an opportunity to tell you something about himself.

2. Stop talking. Just take a breath and stop talking. Let it creep into your consciousness that only one person is talking. No dialogue is taking place.

3.If #1 occurs to you and you can't do #2,  then get some help.  See a counselor who can help you with your narcissistic tendencies.  You're paying money for this. Give the counselor an opportunity to talk and and listen to what he has to say. It will probably take more than one session.

If you are listening to a chronic talker, I offer a few suggestions to you as well:

1. If there's something you are burning to say, just interrupt the talker and say it!  Be aware, however,  that he is only waiting for you to  shut up so that he can continue.

2. If there is a way to semi-politely end the deluge of words, exit the situation as soon as possible. If there is not a way to semi-politely end the encounter,  then just leave anyway.  Continuing the monologue will not edify either one of you. You have better things to do and he always can find someone else to talk to.

3. Learn from the talker. The next time you're in a conversation that is actually a dialogue, instead of just waiting for an opportunity to speak, ask a question about what was just said. Probe a little deeper. She will give you an opportunity to speak soon enough. She will express genuine interest in what you have to say.

Speech is one of those incredible miracles of the human body. A thought makes its way through the nervous system and lands on your tongue. The lungs provide the air and the energy. The air flows up through the larynx and the vocal cords vibrate. Those vibrations become sounds that are formed into words by the space in the throat, sinuses and mouth. Your lips put the finishing touches on the vowels and consonants. Then the miracle of hearing occurs. Those vibrations enter the ears of the hearer through the ear canals. The brain unravels those vibrations and interprets them into intelligible words. Then the biggest miracle of all takes place-- human interaction and dialogue. Theoretically anyway.